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Re: funny

Postby Lols » 03 Dec 2018, 11:27

HBS Guy wrote:I would love to find 6+ Diana Nefertiti round dinner plates.

Well now that you mentioned it, and put it 'out there in the Cosmic Universe'.....I just may find some!! :bgrin
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Re: funny

Postby HBS Guy » 03 Dec 2018, 16:13

Bought a pear cookbook from an op shop today (in Tassie pears are easier to grow than peaches!) Cost me 50¢!

Also “Stephany Alexander’s Journal” $3.
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Re: funny

Postby SethBullock » 03 Dec 2018, 16:16

Aussie wrote:MOTHRA - AVERT YOUR EYES......G'WARN.....DON'T PEEK!



OMG I've been married 39 years and I would be single tomorrow if I did that to my wife.

Either that or dead.
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Re: funny

Postby SethBullock » 04 Dec 2018, 15:52

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is. "Kenneth," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenneth?" she asks.

"I have three questions," he says.
"First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"And, third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, "Okay, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time.
Who has a question?"

A different boy -- little Johnny -- puts his hand up.

Hillary points to him and asks him what his name is.
"Johnny," he says.

"And what is your question, Johnny?" she asks.

"I have five questions," he says.

"First -- whatever happened in Benghazi?
"Second -- why would you run for president if you are not capable of handling two e-mail accounts?
"Third -- whatever happened to the missing six billion dollars while you were Secretary of State?
"Fourth -- why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
"And, fifth -- where's Kenneth?"
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Re: funny

Postby Aussie » 04 Dec 2018, 16:01

hehehehe.
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Re: funny

Postby Texan » 06 Dec 2018, 04:27

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Re: funny

Postby SethBullock » 06 Dec 2018, 11:57

noah.jpg
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Re: funny

Postby greggerypeccary » 06 Dec 2018, 12:12

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Re: funny

Postby SethBullock » 07 Dec 2018, 13:32

"Humility must always be the portion of any man who receives acclaim earned in the blood of his followers and the sacrifices of his friends." - Dwight D Eisenhower
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Re: funny

Postby johnsmith » 07 Dec 2018, 19:34

SethBullock wrote:



:thumb
they don't do comedy like they used to!
FD.
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Re: funny

Postby Lols » 07 Dec 2018, 19:46

Questions you just can't answer:

Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Whose idea was it to put an 's' in the word 'lisp'?

Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up every two hours?

Do married people live longer than single ones, or does it only seem longer?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Did you ever stop and wonder who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there...I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum?"

Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
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Re: funny

Postby johnsmith » 07 Dec 2018, 19:52

Lols wrote:Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?


what really shits me with that one is when you have two or three accounts, all linked together, but the one attached to the card just happens to run out and still they charge you a fee for insufficient funds despite having 50k sitting in one of the other linked accounts. It's a bullshit scam.
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Re: funny

Postby Lols » 07 Dec 2018, 19:53

johnsmith wrote:
Lols wrote:Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?


what really shits me with that one is when you have two or three accounts, all linked together, but the one attached to the card just happens to run out and still they charge you a fee for insufficient funds despite having 50k sitting in one of the other linked accounts. It's a bullshit scam.


kenoath!!!
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Re: funny

Postby Lols » 07 Dec 2018, 20:03

The Pirate in the Bar:

A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well", said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle, I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook now but I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shat in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird shit."

"It was my first day with the hook."
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Re: funny

Postby Aussie » 07 Dec 2018, 20:05

johnsmith wrote:
Lols wrote:Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?


what really shits me with that one is when you have two or three accounts, all linked together, but the one attached to the card just happens to run out and still they charge you a fee for insufficient funds despite having 50k sitting in one of the other linked accounts. It's a bullshit scam.


My Bank lets me get away with that. I have a debit card which say has a zero balance, but when I know I am going out I will top it up to meet whatever I reckon I am gonna spend. All good.....but.....if I forget some direct debit and not top up to meet it I could get in the shit......but the nice Bank allows it because my pattern is well established over so many years.

I'm such an Angel, you know.
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Re: funny

Postby Lols » 07 Dec 2018, 20:10

Aussie wrote:
johnsmith wrote:
Lols wrote:Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?


what really shits me with that one is when you have two or three accounts, all linked together, but the one attached to the card just happens to run out and still they charge you a fee for insufficient funds despite having 50k sitting in one of the other linked accounts. It's a bullshit scam.


My Bank lets me get away with that. I have a debit card which say has a zero balance, but when I know I am going out I will top it up to meet whatever I reckon I am gonna spend. All good.....but.....if I forget some direct debit and not top up to meet it I could get in the shit......but the nice Bank allows it because my pattern is well established over so many years.

I'm such an Angel, you know.


Which bank? (It's an old joke joyce (from commercial tv)….don't have to tell) :bgrin
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Re: funny

Postby johnsmith » 07 Dec 2018, 21:12

Aussie wrote:
johnsmith wrote:
Lols wrote:Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?


what really shits me with that one is when you have two or three accounts, all linked together, but the one attached to the card just happens to run out and still they charge you a fee for insufficient funds despite having 50k sitting in one of the other linked accounts. It's a bullshit scam.


My Bank lets me get away with that. I have a debit card which say has a zero balance, but when I know I am going out I will top it up to meet whatever I reckon I am gonna spend. All good.....but.....if I forget some direct debit and not top up to meet it I could get in the shit......but the nice Bank allows it because my pattern is well established over so many years.

I'm such an Angel, you know.



I wish my bank would play nice. Bastards have taken enough of my money over the years.

My problem is that my wife has a card linked to the same account, and she's the one responsible for topping it up. I've never any idea how much money is in there, I just use it as needed.
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Re: funny

Postby HBS Guy » 08 Dec 2018, 07:41

johnsmith wrote:
Lols wrote:Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?


what really shits me with that one is when you have two or three accounts, all linked together, but the one attached to the card just happens to run out and still they charge you a fee for insufficient funds despite having 50k sitting in one of the other linked accounts. It's a bullshit scam.

I hate that scam! They tried it on Mum who has $100K in the bank. I got it reversed.

Hate the banks! I got 2¢ interest on an account with over $2k in it: had forgotten to ensure $200 went into it, only deposited $195 or so. Use of my money for no cost to them! And the rate fucking sucks anyway.
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Re: funny

Postby Texan » 09 Dec 2018, 10:09

This guy is probably old hat over there, but I just heard of him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBC6f4BrnZw

I'd like to see him and Rodney Carrington do a show together.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qhufx6Bap-Y
Last edited by Texan on 09 Dec 2018, 10:31, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: funny

Postby johnsmith » 09 Dec 2018, 10:11

Texan wrote:This guy is probably old hat over there, but I just heard of him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBC6f4BrnZw

I'd like to see him and Rodney Carrington do a show together.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eh2PjkzW20w



Kevin bloody Wilson is hilarious. I was going to play that but my kids are in the office, and knowing some of his work, I'll save it for later. :bgrin
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Re: funny

Postby Texan » 09 Dec 2018, 10:28

johnsmith wrote:
Texan wrote:This guy is probably old hat over there, but I just heard of him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBC6f4BrnZw

I'd like to see him and Rodney Carrington do a show together.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eh2PjkzW20w



Kevin bloody Wilson is hilarious. I was going to play that but my kids are in the office, and knowing some of his work, I'll save it for later. :bgrin


Warning: There are boobies in the Carrington video. The whole song is an attempt to get women to show their boobs in the concert hall. They even bring up the lights. I didn't think Aussies were as uptight about nudity, but if I'm wrong, I apologize. Maybe I should change the song from "Show Them To Me" to something else.
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Re: funny

Postby johnsmith » 09 Dec 2018, 11:32

Texan wrote:
johnsmith wrote:
Texan wrote:This guy is probably old hat over there, but I just heard of him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBC6f4BrnZw

I'd like to see him and Rodney Carrington do a show together.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eh2PjkzW20w



Kevin bloody Wilson is hilarious. I was going to play that but my kids are in the office, and knowing some of his work, I'll save it for later. :bgrin


Warning: There are boobies in the Carrington video. The whole song is an attempt to get women to show their boobs in the concert hall. They even bring up the lights. I didn't think Aussies were as uptight about nudity, but if I'm wrong, I apologize. Maybe I should change the song from "Show Them To Me" to something else.



Nah, Aussies and nudity go hand in hand. At least this one does :bgrin
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Re: funny

Postby Aussie » 09 Dec 2018, 11:56

Texan wrote:
johnsmith wrote:
Texan wrote:This guy is probably old hat over there, but I just heard of him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBC6f4BrnZw

I'd like to see him and Rodney Carrington do a show together.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eh2PjkzW20w



Kevin bloody Wilson is hilarious. I was going to play that but my kids are in the office, and knowing some of his work, I'll save it for later. :bgrin


Warning: There are boobies in the Carrington video. The whole song is an attempt to get women to show their boobs in the concert hall. They even bring up the lights. I didn't think Aussies were as uptight about nudity, but if I'm wrong, I apologize. Maybe I should change the song from "Show Them To Me" to something else.


Do they give a female name to tornados in Texas? If so, I reckon I know the name of this one!

:bgrin

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Re: funny

Postby Texan » 09 Dec 2018, 12:14

Aussie wrote:
Texan wrote:
johnsmith wrote:
Texan wrote:This guy is probably old hat over there, but I just heard of him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YBC6f4BrnZw

I'd like to see him and Rodney Carrington do a show together.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Eh2PjkzW20w



Kevin bloody Wilson is hilarious. I was going to play that but my kids are in the office, and knowing some of his work, I'll save it for later. :bgrin


Warning: There are boobies in the Carrington video. The whole song is an attempt to get women to show their boobs in the concert hall. They even bring up the lights. I didn't think Aussies were as uptight about nudity, but if I'm wrong, I apologize. Maybe I should change the song from "Show Them To Me" to something else.


Do they give a female name to tornados in Texas? If so, I reckon I know the name of this one!

:bgrin

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I think they alternate between male and female names and the first hurricane starts with "A", B, and so on. Was that "Harvey" from last year? I drove out of Houston to go home in the Dallas area on the day that storm hit.

Tornadoes don't get names. They are much smaller. Is it like your cyclones? Hurricanes are the "upright" equivalent to your typhoons, I think.
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Re: funny

Postby Aussie » 09 Dec 2018, 12:24

I meant hurricanes. Yes, the equivalent of our cyclones. We name them here.

Link.
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