In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

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Expand view Topic review: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Re: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Post by HBS Guy » 12 Nov 2017, 13:44

Jul 1st, 2014:

annielaurie wrote:Boss, I honestly feel I don't have very long now. Sleeping all morning, need to sleep about twelve hours a day now. Can't eat, tried to eat a macaroni and beef in tomato sauce frozen dinner last night, tasted good, but could only eat half.

Shortness of breath now becoming extreme over a major part of the day, then more normal for awhile, then bad again. Dunno how long this will go on.

:sad



She lasted 2.5 years more. She communicated hardly at all in 2016, especially the second half of the year. She did tell me “bad and scary things” had happened in spring 2016 (early 2016, NH spring) but never said what they were. I didn’t ask, if she wanted to tell me she would have.

Mid January 2017 her brother rang. I immediately asked “Is she dead?” and was told Annie died 28 Dec 2016. It was nice of her brother to ring and tell me, a complete stranger to him, just because his sister had asked him to.

I had, as had been my practice for 2-3 years, sent Annie two calendars, one Australian fauna and one Australian flora. She would not have received them (two calendars, one for Annie, one for her carer. I had also sent her a sliver of sapphire I found on the first trip to the gemfields and some Anzac biscuits I made: she had to dunk them—in chicken soup :roll :bgrin :OMG

Vale Annie—I will remember you, dear!

Re: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Post by HBS Guy » 12 Nov 2017, 09:40

annielaurie wrote:Oh there you are, boss! Time is 8:30 am here, cold as winter and partly cloudy. Went out for a ciggie, had to wear two coats and a scarf and my shearling ugg boots. First full day of summer, and brrrrr ... freezing ..

When I woke up the TV was on and turned down low, and felt fine, but then I got up to go to the bathroom, and felt a wave of terror coming on. That's the wave of sickness and fear that feels like death coming. Is happening almost every day now ..

(snip)

Fixing morning Starbucks canned expresso coffee and vanilla ice cream smoothie right now .. yummmmm ... :c


Hmmm I see I haven’t put dates on the quotes. They are all from 2014.

You see Annie living from smoothies made with a nutrient shake, raw egg and icecream. Not really a well–rounded diet :sad She could have afforded fruit even if she threw out 3/4 of it. No apples, teeth too weak but mango, mandarin, fresh squeezed orange juice etc. But no.

Re: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Post by HBS Guy » 12 Nov 2017, 07:54

Two years before Annie did die, I hope she died as described here:

annielaurie wrote:Boss, are you around? I've been sleeping a lot more lately, daytime.

I now have my Doctor's Order for Terminal Sedation drafted and signed, have my original and a copy. Original goes into a zippered compartment inside my shoulder bag, and the copy is taped to the refrigerator door.

That is for sudden sickness needing an ambulance, then they evaluate me at the emergency room and determine if it is the "end" for me yet. If it is near the end for me, they will admit me and start the meds my oncologist has ordered to induce twilight sleep.

This could happen at any time from now on. Just the fact that I had to call an ambulance that other weekend shows something could happen to me anytime - a heart attack, a blood clot, a stroke, etc.


Nursing care in my apartment at home won't start until I am too sick to get out of bed, unless I want to hire a private duty nurse myself. The caregiver agency has them, their duties are real nursing at home - helping with showers and dressing and personal care - not errands and shopping. So I would still keep my ordinary caregiver, and later add a personal care nurse.

But I don't need nursing care yet. Today I actually walked to the mini mart without my oxy canister in my backpack (too damn heavy and leaves no room for the groceries I need to carry home) and I did well walking down there and back again with no oxygen.


I may not get sick and bedridden first - there could be a terminal event while I am still up and walking around. The doc's order for terminal sedation has me covered for the end now, so I am safe.

:buddy


I tried to get her to get a mobility scooter but the homeless would vandalise or steal it. So hard to help someone living so fucking far away and in such different circumstances. I could have suggested some ways to overcome that—buy an old van & have a motorised ramp made, park it in her parking slot, lock it at night with the scooter inside it etc, nope.

Re: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Post by HBS Guy » 12 Nov 2017, 07:49

annielaurie wrote:Hi again boss! Went to Waxing Lyrical but couldn't find your bits you've mentioned. The whole thread is great, tho! Went for a ciggie outside and again the shortness of breath, getting back upstairs.

Time is almost nine at night, twilight now and still light out there. Summer solstice on the 22nd. Did you know that June 11th was my own mum's second anniversary since passing away? Bless her and keep her and let light perpetual shine upon her.

Thanks for another fun talk on the phone. You know how much you mean to me, and how you have helped me along these past few years, without you there have been times I would have wanted to pass on - too lonely and scared with no one to care about in a genuine way.

Have just taken one of the new strong pills, and a tranquilizer. They really work together and help my breathing too. Am gonna go watch some tele now, there are some good British programs on the PBS channels for tonight, deary!

:wub

Re: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Post by HBS Guy » 09 Nov 2017, 17:04

annielaurie wrote:Hi again boss! Went to Waxing Lyrical but couldn't find your bits you've mentioned. The whole thread is great, tho! Went for a ciggie outside and again the shortness of breath, getting back upstairs.

Time is almost nine at night, twilight now and still light out there. Summer solstice on the 22nd. Did you know that June 11th was my own mum's second anniversary since passing away? Bless her and keep her and let light perpetual shine upon her.

Thanks for another fun talk on the phone. You know how much you mean to me, and how you have helped me along these past few years, without you there have been times I would have wanted to pass on - too lonely and scared with no one to care about in a genuine way.

Have just taken one of the new strong pills, and a tranquilizer. They really work together and help my breathing too. Am gonna go watch some tele now, there are some good British programs on the PBS channels for tonight, deary!

:wub


Poor Annie, just a voice at the other end of telephone or internet for company and advice. Luckily she did have a couple of friends but they were also old and one was sick. Scott the priest had thought of marrying her but preferred, the idiot, a life of seclusion. Idiot! Then Scott retired to a distant part of the States.

Annie and I talked about Annie moving to be closer to her daughter but the trip would, literally, be a killer and Annie would need to be in the city for access to oncologist and all that. So not a solution. (Daughter lives in the outer suburbs of the city concerned.)

Re: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Post by HBS Guy » 09 Nov 2017, 09:32

The smooth sophisticated life of a smoker:

annielaurie wrote:Hi boss and AG darling, it is Monday evening here, just went to the corner market for a couple things to tide me over. Caregiver coming tomorrow, and doc appointment at oncologist cancer center.

I had a woman I know from church come to visit on Saturday. She brought me roses from her garden and we were sitting at my dining table talking, and suddenly I started having severe pain in my face!

My entire jaw was in agony, and the pain radiated down the sides of my throat, and down into my lungs when I breathed, and spread through my shoulders and arms.

Heart attack! That's what she and I were sure of, and we got my stuff together in a backpack in a hurry and dialed emergency for an ambulance.

Help came quickly, sirens screaming and lots of paramedics and pandemonium, absolutely crazy, the whole neighborhood was out there gawking and trying to see the "victim" (me) and what was happening.

I was transported to the nearest hospital emergency ward and monitored for three hours, they drew blood and took x-rays of my whole body.

Turns out it was not my heart, it was a sprained cervical spine (upper part of the back of my neck) and it was the cause of the severe pain radiating around the jaw and throat and chest.

The resident ER doc gave me hydromorphone (Dilaudid) one of the strongest narcotics ever made, just one pill will take the pain from a ten to a zero on the scale in twenty minutes!

I have taken one a day since then, and boy do they ever work for the pain! But they only last for three hours, and cause shortness of breath worse than usual for someone like me.

Dilaudid is a perfect choice for an alternate medication for me. But it is contraindicated for patients (me) already taking hydrocodone (because both of those meds cause severe difficulty breathing)

That was my weekend, a complete chaos. Tonight gonna watch some favorite programs on tele, then bedtime and caregiver and doctor tomorrow.

Will be back tomorrow, poor darlings!

:hot

Re: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Post by HBS Guy » 09 Nov 2017, 09:32

Hmmm slight problem.

Re: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Post by HBS Guy » 09 Nov 2017, 08:31

I had been away in Stansbury (Yorke Peninsula) for the scattering of the ashes of my former b-i-l. One of my great newphew lacked confidence, he asked if he could hold Demi’s leash so I gave it to him and instructed him in what to tell her. Demi behaved but turned to look at me plaintively, so funny. Same great nephew didn’t want to scatter his share of his grandfather’s ashes (off the little jetty at Stansbury) but I encouraged him and he did scatter some of the ashes. The lad has, with some psych help as well as all the family, now got his confidence, only the most minor lapse.

annielaurie wrote:Just checking in with you boss, since our phone call. Time is now 1:38 am in the morning of Sunday June 8th. Scott called to say he wll be bringing me communion tomorrow at noon, after church.

I am still in some pain but not really bad, and now I will make a smoothie with Ensure and some ice cream, must have some food in my stomach, have not eaten a thing all day.

What an effing scary day! :hot


Not eating was a regular refrain. SO glad I stopped smoking almost 25 years ago, me not wanting to eat? That would be a Greek tragedy!

Talking of Greek tragedies, LOVED the idiot Lisa Jones trying to educate Aussie about “Epilogue” just what did the fuckwit think Aussie was doing? Fuck me!

Re: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Post by HBS Guy » 06 Nov 2017, 22:39

The sophisticated lifestyle of the sophisticated smoker!

annielaurie wrote:Well it's not that I don't want to prepare the food, either frozen or fresh ingredients. I have all new cookware and the right utensils now, and a better kitchen area to make meals.

It's that I cannot chew and swallow the food without starting to gag. And everything tastes terrible to me.

Twice I actually made my own tomato sauce with spices and garlic, in a skillet with olive oil and ground beef and onions and real tomatoes, not canned sauce. And I cooked a small handful of good brand spaghetti to perfection in a pot, not dry or sticky but nice and slippery and moist.

I made a plate and spooned my delicious sauce over the pasta. The sauce was wonderful and I ate all of it, but the spaghetti tasted horrible and could not eat any of it, left it on my plate and threw it in the trash.

This happens with most meals, fresh dishes or frozen dinners. I can eat some of the food but most of it makes me want to run to the bathroom and purge.

Cannot eat normally anymore. The only food I love is ice cream, vanilla or caramel, but almost any flavor is good.

This is why I live on blenderized smoothies, made with nutrient drinks mixed with different flavors of ice cream, and either a raw egg or a chopped banana blended into it.

And I will take a vitamin pill when I drink it. This is what I have been living on for months on end. I suppose I have been starving to death.

Can't seem to change this, and I even start to cry when I realize that I cannot eat. I have plenty of foods in my pantry, boxes of grits and rice, canned foods and chili and beef stews. They sit there in the cabinet, untouched for months.

:sad


People seem to think dying of smoking related diseases is fairly quick. Nope, many years where you have little energy, hardly any puff. Your world contracts because you don’t have the energy to go out, everything is an effort. This is before disease is really hitting you. Smoke extracts the collagen out your skins, causing deep wrinkles. Then there is osteoporosis which you won’t know about until you have a fall. Decades.

Re: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Post by HBS Guy » 06 Nov 2017, 19:02

annielaurie wrote:Yup, it was his comment to me in a pm about taking selfies together here at my apartment, and then posting them on PA, to show that we know each other in person, and then he added, "I suppose that would make Monk jealous? I'm close enough to come visit, but he can't."

I replied that Monk probably wouldn't like it. Later I told Monk during a phone call that he is planning a business trip out here to the San Fran area, and wants to come see me. Monk said he doesn't begrudge me having friends, he was gracious about it.

But more and more crap happened on PA and since then I've decided I don't want to meet AIA after all. I will have to tell him I'm too sick for company.

It's mainly the photos he wants to take of us that turned me against the visit.

Now for somebody who is sick and also late sixties, I don't look bad at all. I still look about ten years younger than I really am. My hair looks good, did not fall out from chemo, and I look good dressed up with blowdried hair and lipstick. You can't tell I am a sick person, just tired and frail.

But I don't want my pics all over PA for them to make fun of, you know?

:smack


I did see a recent picture of Annie, taken when her brother and his wife visited Annie. Don’t know where it is ATM. I could see the lines of suffering in her face but it is true, she looked good for her age despite her sickness. I would have loved Annie to have some company and while I have never liked AiA that is me not Annie. Unstated here but mentioned by Annie later the incident where AiA posted a heap of her PMs to him in public and left them there for 3 days also weighed on her decision to cut ties with AiA.

Re: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Post by HBS Guy » 06 Nov 2017, 18:48

One post I was not going to copy but recent events changed my mind.

annielaurie wrote:Oh boy boss, it just gets worse and worse about Atlanta, doesn't it! He's not fit to be admin there, I can see that now.

Don't know if he's actually coming to San Fran this July on a business trip, but he had wanted to come visit me across the bay. He will want to take selfies of him and me together, and then post them on the board over there.

He even mentioned taking selfies together just to make yooooou jealous that he is close enough to come visit me but you aren't, Tom. Well I didn't laugh.

I don't want my picture up on these forums, because when I pass away they can do and say anything about me they want. They can abuse me after I'm dead. God knows what they could do. I don't trust it at all.

He does not know my street address, so if the subject comes up again I can say that I am just too sick to have visitors. Or I can even pretend to go to the hospital for treatment or something, and say I won't be home that week.

Something like that.

:?


Playing games with a sick person, for fucks sake, how low can someone go? Lower than a snake’s belly! Disgusting!

We see Annie was under no illusions about the quality of turds that inhabit PA.

Re: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Post by HBS Guy » 05 Nov 2017, 17:16

A.G wrote:
HBS Guy wrote:Annie knows I am doing a tiny bit of friendly nagging. I don’t nag much, now I don’t even nag about the smoking because it doesn’t matter anymore and I was never judgemental about the smoking, I remember my own battles with Devil Nicotine!

I am watching an episode or two each night of The Sweeney, English cops & robbers show from the 70s. Christ—they were always smoking in those days! And had to use public phones to ring the office :roll


LOL public phones sound like relics now...smoking all over the TV then. tsk tsk.


Had just lost a battle about trying to have Annie eat a couple of freshly cooked meals, not just nutrient shakes etc. :roll :bgrin

I skipped over something not pleasant but will likely have to return to it.

Re: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Post by HBS Guy » 05 Nov 2017, 07:54

annielaurie wrote:Boss, are you around? Easter Day here for us, and gorgeous summer weather.

Adele, a friend from my church came over and brought me some tall white easter lillies with long stems and curling green leaves. Said they were from her garden. That was lovely, I put them in a pretty glass vase with water on my dinette table.

Yesterday Scott the priest brought me Communion at home, and today Adele came. She is eighty-four, big Dutch woman, very healthy and youthful.

I am doing all right for the time being, but only because of my medications. Might take a nappy poo later.

:rose

Adele was a good friend. When Annie was worried, so unnecessarily about being kicked out of her flat for repairs to the floor, worried a motel would not let her use her oxygen compressor Adele said Annie could stay with her, oxy amd all! Big weight off Annie’s mind! Unfortunately—Adele died a year or so before Annie did. Adele features in several of Annie’s posts. Thank god for Adele! There was also Walter who, when he wasn’t trying to sleep with Annie was a good friend, helped with a couple of his mates move Annie’s furniture down one story to her new flat. We called Walter “the granny humper” :jump

Annie dreaded that move, was afraid she would lose her good TV reception. I told her be happy she had one less flight of stairs to climb. She said that didn’t matter but after the move was over and she was settled in her new flat (I should call them apartments but they were tiny, almost like a cabin in a caravan park) she did tell me she was glad it was one flight less! :bgrin

Re: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Post by HBS Guy » 05 Nov 2017, 07:12

annielaurie wrote:
He [AiA] asked me what you would think since he made me a mod, and I said I told you and it seems okay.

I told him I was not comfortable going into his account and that I would not be doing that ever.

Boss, I am in pain after cooking dinner and trying to eat. Something wrong with my right hip and leg, absolutely killing me, saying nighty night!

:wub

Apart from wishing Annie would leave the sewer why would I mind Annie being a Mod there? Being valued, appreciated when she was so upset with her church and friends forgetting her once she got sick?

Re: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Post by HBS Guy » 05 Nov 2017, 06:46

A sad, recurrent theme:

annielaurie wrote:Yes boss, I read it, but it's not the sort of fiction I would be interested in.

I'm struggling with my illness now, very tired and sick, having to keep constant track of doc appointments and dates when I can get my meds, and days when Dennis can drive me or do errands, cannot go anywhere now without help. It would even be risky to take a cab by myself now. I never know when the next breathing attack is coming.

I can hardly keep track on the forums now, I am deteriorating ..

:sad


This was March 2014.

This is what smoking does!

Re: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Post by HBS Guy » 05 Nov 2017, 06:39

annielaurie wrote:Will do that, if it gets worse. I don't think it will. It's not that important, and I was dreading the mess and having to move my furniture around for the guy to do whatever he was gonna do.

Have been feeling stress since last November worrying about this floor and what they would have to do to fix it. Now I don't have to worry anymore.

Dennis is coming tomorrow, we will go down to Oakland to my periodontist to have my teeth cleaned.

:meet


So, a half day at the most repair job had caused Annie stress for months. That is what Annie was like, trivial things, non–existent things could paralyse her with stress, with panic attacks. I could talk her down from panic attacks, so nice I could do something for her.

Re: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Post by HBS Guy » 05 Nov 2017, 06:32

That is very sad, Emma, so sorry to read that.

Re: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Post by pinkeye » 05 Nov 2017, 00:54

A.G wrote:I agree with that Emma- lost my mother very young through a very aggressive lung cancer- a very traumatic time for me and all our family- she should have lived another 30 years- so sorry cancer has also touched your family ~

Death touches us all, in whatever form it appears. That defines human life. Life isn't the never-ending story. My father died of a stroke when I was 13 mths old.
Seems I knew him, and we adored each other.
I DON'T REMEMBER HIM. :sad :sad

Re: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Post by Cherie » 05 Nov 2017, 00:42

I agree with that Emma- lost my mother very young through a very aggressive lung cancer- a very traumatic time for me and all our family- she should have lived another 30 years- so sorry cancer has also touched your family ~

Re: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Post by pinkeye » 04 Nov 2017, 23:58

HBS Guy wrote:71

Thank you.

Could you please now move on too Monk?

I have lost most/all of my immediate family through long term cancers and Parkinsons. I very well understand about the things said and done since. I have been devastated by the actions of an older sister, so please just imagine how it affects so many people. Don't compound the pain, please.
.

Re: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Post by HBS Guy » 04 Nov 2017, 23:44

71

Re: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Post by pinkeye » 04 Nov 2017, 22:53

I am a smoker.

Could I ask please, how OLD Annie was when she moved on.?

Re: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Post by HBS Guy » 04 Nov 2017, 22:47

annielaurie wrote:Hello boss! Now Thursday morning for me. It rained again last night, soaking everything. Dry today.

Just a note on Obamacare here in the USA! The great majority of Americans hate it, or parts of the law, because it has unintended consequences to those in the middle class income range (such as myself) by raising premium rates through the roof, and creating donut hole gaps in our Medicare Part D coverage (covers medications) so that now we have to pay huge out-of-pocket amounts for each drug, where we got them for free before Obamacare kicked in.


There is only one good thing about Obamacare, really, and that is the part of the law that prohibits insurance companies from turning away applicants with pre-existing medical illnesses and conditions, those who could not get insurance coverage before.

Almost everything else about the new law is bad, both for doctors, small business owners with employees, and most patients. There are thousands of doctors who are now opting out of accepting patients with insurance coverage, and will accept only cash-pay patients. There are many thousands of patients who now must change their doctors, who now must wait months to see someone new, who now have to start over with new teams of docs on networks in their area.


Contrary to the news on this that has reached Australia, the situation is generally worse for us than before Obamacare.

Many states have NOT expanded their Medicaid programs (supplemental insurance coverage for low income patients) and so therefore many thousands of poor people who could get coverage before, now cannot and are left with no way except to go to emergency rooms if they get sick.

The very rich don't need to worry. By very rich, I mean multi-millionaires.


We middle income patients are the ones who get the coverage easily enough, but whose premiums and out-of-pocket expenses have gone way UP!

My premium taken out of my Social Security cheque every month is now a hundred dollars more per month. My premium owed to my supplemental insurance company every four months are now over a hundred dollars higher than last year.

As for meds, I could get my ventolin and combivent inhalers for $0.00 before. Now the ventolin costs me $40.00 and the combivent costs $65.00, every month. My other pills now also cost me $65.00, every month.

My pain med used to cost me $0.00 dollars. Now costs me $17.00, and the strength is weaker, and the amount of a single prescription has been lowered from 180 tablets per bottle to 160 tablets, and must last a month before a refill is allowed.


Our country is in one mess after another. Obama tried to do the right thing, but his healthcare reform is basically a disaster.

:read


Ahahahaha Annie hated Obamacare. Yet it gave health insurance to tens of millions of Americans who could never get insurance before. Yes, the rich had to pay a bit more and Annie didn’t like that :jump If Trumpy ever manages to kill Obamacare at least 24 million Americans will be without health insurance!

Re: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Post by HBS Guy » 04 Nov 2017, 22:30

annielaurie wrote:Yup!

Well things are changing for me, boss. We shall see what happens next. I sure wish I could still take my laptop down to the coffee shop, or go to the movies downtown like I used to do, or go shopping up on the Avenue the way I use to love.

Life as I knew it seems to be over for me. I have Dennis and my doctors and the nursing staff at the oncologists office, who seem like friends to me, people I can count on.

And I have you, my poor darling, even though you are much too far away to help me in an emergency. But it feels like you are my next door neighbor. Hard to believe you live 12 thousand miles away!

:sad


When Annie first showed up here she often posted from the coffeeshop with her laptop connected to the shop’s wifi. Alas, the emphysema contracted her world cruelly. Did the same for my Dad too.

Annie often said it was like I was her neighbor from a couple of doors down the street. I never felt she was around the corner but I had stopped smoking early enough not to get much emphysema and can walk down the street or drive to or across town any damn time I like.

Re: In Memoriam: AnnieLaurie

Post by HBS Guy » 04 Nov 2017, 22:23

annielaurie wrote:The intestinal sickness seems to be gone, that could be because I have started eating solid food again, and got rid of old foods that might have been spoiled.

Seems that I can taste foods like delicious crisp bacon and anything sweet. Can't taste most other foods now. This is a recent problem, within the past couple of months or so. Everything tastes the same in my mouth when chewing, I can get the textures but not the flavors. No enjoyment eating anymore, I have to force myself to fix anything now. I can barely feel hunger, either.

I have read that this symptom comes with advanced stage lung cancer. Patients want only sweet foods. This was happening to me back in 2010, just before the x ray that showed the big tumor in the left lung. No hunger, and no taste except for sweet foods. This is because sugar is what the cancer comsumes in order to grow.

I now have a new CT scan scheduled for March 4th, and oncologist appt for March 11th. That small tumor in the right lung is probably growing. I am starting to notice some local pain in the right lung, and also both lungs when I breathe deep down.


The res manager David has been gone again for two weeks. Don't know what's happening with him, but he might be staying with his sister in San Fran, which is near to the airport where he works. I have the idea they might get a new res manager sometime soon. This is not for sure, but seems to me that he is not doing very much work around here anymore and is hardly ever around.

Dennis is coming today at 11 am. Time is now just before 4 am. I am up almost every night and then go back to bed in the early dawn for a couple more hours.

Happy birthday to your mum next week, boss ..

(noodle nose) :gsp


Smoking is soooo sophisticated, isn’t it? A really good, groovy thing to do!

She couldn’t taste food she said. I tried to suggest ways she could eat something healthy but doubt she did any of them. Nutrient shakes with an egg and some icecream became a large part of her diet.

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